Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Loch Ness Terror

Let's get this out of the way first: the main conceit of the movie is that there is a tunnel from Loch Ness to Lake Superior, a distance of over 3,300 miles. Not only is there a tunnel 3,300+ miles in length, but Nessie swims that regularly, as she likes to summer in Lake Superior.

Oh, and she can walk on land.

Yeah. You heard me. She can walk on land. And she does. Often.

So, just to be clear: Nessie can swim 3,300+ miles through an underwater tunnel and she can move quickly on land.

I, for one, welcome our new Plesiosaur overlords.

Wait, what’s that? Apparently, Plesiosaur attacks are rare? They’re not overrunning the world? But, Nessie had at least seven young running around near her nest, and several more eggs. How have they not taken over and harvested us for food?

I don’t know for sure, but I’d like to think it’s at least in part thanks to James Murphy, Cryptozoologist.

Who is James Murphy, Cryptozoologist? He’s a man with a tragic past and the scar on his face to prove it. In 1976, he was at Loch Ness with his father and several other scientists when Nessie violently attacked them, unprovoked.

I’m sorry, did I say unprovoked? I meant, “in a totally warranted attack.” While scuba diving, MurphyDad found one end of the magical tunnel. Then – and this is a direct quote – he radios up: “I found a really big egg.” Naturally, he brings it to the surface. Because that’s what one does when one finds a giant egg, right? Especially a scientist.

So, Nessie attacks, and James Murphy, (young) Cryptozoologist, gets a nasty cut on his face, then hides under a conveniently placed canoe while his father is eaten in front of him. It’s a tragic past that has turned him into the grizzled cryptozoologist we see today, who says dramatic things like, “These aren’t fish. They’re carnivorous prehistoric reptiles.”

I could, at this point, go into the whole plot, and talk about how they kill Nessie, and nitpick all the logical inconsistencies (and there are many). But I’m not going to. Partly because the post is really long as is, and partly because the actual plot was really, really boring.

Mysterious attacks along the shore of Lake Superior have led James Murphy, Cryptozoologist, to the sleepy town of Ashburn, population 11, if the lack of extras is any indication. The other two characters are Josh the teenager and his mom, who is the town sheriff. Josh’s ex-girlfriend, Zoe, is dating a rich douchebag who takes her and two friends to a deserted island, which turns out to be where Nessie has built her nest. Everyone except Zoe gets eaten by Nessie or her offspring, and in the end Josh, CopMom, and James Murphy, Cryptozoologist have to come and rescue her and kill Nessie and her young. Which they do, and Nessie explodes (yes, really), and everyone is happy.

Yes, everyone. Even James Murphy, Cryptozoologist, who announces he will be settling down in Ashburn. Why? Because Josh’s dad died when he was young, and James Murphy, Cryptozoologist, knows a boy who needs a father figure when he sees one. Which is too bad, really, because I would have totally watched a TV show about James Murphy, Cryptozoologist, fighting monsters around the globe. He could be like James Bond, but with mythical creatures. But no, instead he has to catch lameness from the other characters and settle down in Ashburn. Which, I think, is what disappointed me most of all.

Adherence to basic monster movie formula: +10
Being kind of boring: -15
Bad CGI: +7
Usage of entrails on wax corpses to show they’re really dead: +5
Ignoring basic physiological limitations to make a scarier monster: +17
Ignoring basic geological limitations to create a 3,300+ mile tunnel: +25
Cool mineral facts (Magnetite is combustible): +4
Actor’s inability to properly pronounce basic words: +20
James Murphy, Cryptozoologist, being awesome: +30
All characters sucking except for James Murphy, Cryptozoologist: -18
James Murphy, Cryptozoologist settling down in Ashburn rather than getting a spinoff series: -6
Failure to have rich kid make amends with Josh before dying: - 4
Failure to draw parallels between single moms CopMom and Nessie: -15
Failure to set up for a sequel (where is Mr. Nessie?): -21

TOTAL: 39 out of 100.

Best quote: “Fish that use magnetic fields for navigation … can get disorientated.” – James Murphy, Cryptozoologist

Loch Ness Terror Trailer

No comments:

Post a Comment