
My dear friend Christine has been harassing me regularly to cover this movie, which is absurd, since obviously I was going to. I mean, it’s called Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus. I think that translates in Gaelic to “C-List Actors Save Us All.”
But, looking at this poster having now seen the movie, all I can feel is disappointed. The poster is like the box for sea monkeys. You think you're getting a totally sweet sea monkey kingdom, but in truth, they're just brine shrimp.
Maybe my expectations were set too high, or maybe they weren’t low enough. Regardless, it was just bad. Really, really bad. And boring. And nonsensical. But not even in the good way. In the lazy way, bad, boring way.
The movie stars serious actress Deborah Gibson. No, not singer Debbie Gibson. You must have confused the two, since their names are so very similar. But, if you’ll notice, there’s no way they can be the same person, since serious actresses spell their names with “-orah,” not “-bie.”
The government shoots a sonar missile thing into a glacier up in Alaska. The sonar breaks up the glacier (as so often happens), freeing the mega shark and the giant octopus from their icy prison. Deb
The first stop is the Kobayshi Subsea Drilling Platform, near Japan. Here’s all you need to know about that scene – it includes the following bit of dialogue, almost entirely without context. This makes it the best scene in the movie:
“Look, I understand, you’re upset. You’ve got a bunch of crazy palefaces pissing in your little pool. But here’s the thing: bigger things are going on here. Bigger than our own little problems. So I promise you, if we can just have a sense of humor about this – Look, the point is, as long as we have a sense of humor about this, everything’s going to work out. I promise.”
And then they’re eaten by a Giant Octopus.
Aboard a 747, an engaged couple is anxious because of turbulence. “We’re getting married in two days,” the man says. “It’ll be fine,” the stewardess responds. Way to doom the plane, guys. The pilot asks everyone to fasten their seatbelts. Engaged to be dead guy looks out the window and says “Holy shit!” as he sees a mega shark leaping toward them. The mega shark plucks it out of midair. Keep in mind, the mega shark is easily twice the size of the 747. I’m not sure how a prehistoric sea creature knows that airplanes are food, but I’ll just assume it’s that killer instinct.
Back at Point Dume, CA, Deb
Deb
Instead, Japanese scientist Dr. Shimada shows up to talk about the attacks. He believes the attack on the drilling platform was not the work of a mega shark, but something else. They receive a DVD of the video from the minisub Deb
Now, lest you think this is just a movie about abnormally large sea creatures, the writers have a very important message they’re trying to convey. They do so with artful dialogue, such as when Deb
I guess that’s supposed to be a bad thing, but personally, if all comeuppance can be meted out using mega sharks and giant octopi, that would be ideal, thank you.
A big US destroyer hunts the mega shark. After a showdown with the battleship, the shark stops screwing around and just takes a giant chunk out of it. Mega Shark has to be really hungry, given that he’s the size of two 747s and has been eating sardine cans of people.
So, at this point in the movie, here’s what we’ve seen of the mega shark: He’s eaten a 747 and a destroyer. As for the giant octopus, he’s taken down a drilling platform. They have yet to battle. They have yet to menace a coastal town.
I’m all for building suspense, but I’m just saying, if I’ve tuned in to watch a movie called Giant Shark vs. Mega Octopus, I expect to see some versus. Hell, I expect to see some Giant Octopus, and really, I don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth of octopus.
Or, for that matter, my money’s worth of Lorenzo Lamas. Fortunately, they anticipated that I’d be hitting the Lorenzo-threshold (the point at which you stop watching because there’s no Lorenzo Lamas). Unfortunately, he’s playing a remarkably useless character.
Lorenzo Lamas has Dr. Shimada, Irish Mentor, and Deb
Deb
Maybe it’s just me, but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Mega Shark is double the size of a 747. Where the hell are they going to store it? How are they going to transport it? The damned thing eats aircraft carriers, I’m thinking it might be a little tricky to airlift it to Sea World.
And that’s the problem with this whole movie. I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to side with Deb
Big shocker, their plan to lure the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus into San Francisco and Tokyo Bay (respectively) doesn’t work. We don’t get to see the destruction Giant Octopus wreaks, but Mega Shark inexplicably takes a giant bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge. Mega Shark has, at this point, eaten more metal and concrete than it has people, which makes me think he must have been very, very hungry 10 million years ago when there were no bridges and battleships to eat.
Deb
It would be, if the movie hadn’t been made for roughly $30 and a sandwich platter for craft services. Instead, the fight consists of the octopus wrapping its tentacles around the shark, getting one of its tentacles bitten off due to poor placement, and then releasing the shark. The fight goes like that at least three times, but the octopus always seems to grow back its missing tentacles. I’m sorry, did I say “grow back?” No, I meant, “The budget was so small, they could only afford to CGI the one scene, so they had to reuse it three times.”
The fight ends with the two of them sinking down to the depths, presumably dead. How did they die? Well, unlike in nature, where most battles end with one animal killing and eating the other, in this world, animals just fight until they get really tired and decide to call it a draw, then die. Yes, that is how the much-hyped “Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus Thrilla in Manilla” ends. With the octopus and shark wrestling for three minutes and then dying. My dog and cat have more epic fights.
See? And at least here, only one of the two sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
And that, in sum, is why this movie sucks: all the things that should be awesome about it aren’t. There’s a mega shark! It has three big scenes. There’s a giant octopus! We don’t get to see it destroy Tokyo. Lorenzo Lamas stars! He shows up halfway through to play a sort of racist government official. Deb
So, thanks, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, for being disappointing me beyond measure. You had your shot, and you blew it.
Arbitrary Points System:
Starring Lorenzo Lamas: +14
Wasting Lorenzo Lamas: -12
Starring a Mega Shark and a Giant Octopus: +25
Wasting a Mega Shark and a Giant Octopus: -20
Two awesome test tubes of Science! montages: +6
When they successfully create prehistoric shark pheromones, the liquid glows: +7
Yeah, they create prehistoric shark pheromones: +2
Deb
No, it’s really painful: -2
It wastes Dr. Shimada’s amazingly
Just like they wasted the Mega Shark and Giant Octopus: -5
Christine recommended it, and she’s one of my best friends: +25
The last scene, where Irish Mentor tells Deb
No, seriously, how many are there?: -2
And since when are they experts?: -4
Oh god, are they really setting up for a sequel?: -8
Total: 3 out of 100
Best quotes:
Lorenzo Lamas: Now clearly we're dealing with a menace that no one has ever imagined, much less counted on.
Dr. Shimada: Like Hurricane Katrina.
Lorenzo Lamas: Very good. And funny.
But every scientist faces something like this sooner or later. - Irish Mentor
Deb
Dr. Shimada: I know. All this darkness, you were the one ray of light.
Deb
Dr. Shimada: If it’s fated, we’ll see each other again.
Guys, use that line. Because it will work every time.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Trailer
this movie will go down in history i suspect
ReplyDeleteEvery scientist faces something like this, you say?
ReplyDeleteThen I best get preparing!
Just saw this cinematic titanic two nights ago. I was surprised it was released in 2009: it should have been released into a pulp mill.
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