Tuesday, March 23, 2010


I’m back. Possibly. Anyway. On to Dinoshark, starring Eric Balfour. When I saw that it was starring Balfour (and to me, he is only “Balfour”), I got really excited. Then I realized that, if asked, I could not cite a single movie or show he’s ever been in. Even after checking his IMDB credits and confirming I have seen some of the shows, I have absolutely no recollection of his presence. But that excitement is why Balfour embodies the blog’s name.

There are two kinds of C-list actors: the ones who were famous back in the 80s or 90s, and the ones who are famous but you can’t name a single thing they’ve been in. Sure, there are the A-list actors who are slumming it, but where would a SyFy channel original be without at least one C-list actor?

I can tell you this much: Dinoshark needs Balfour. In fact, there isn’t enough Balfour, as far as I’m concerned. The movie’s biggest weakness is that the female lead’s subplot is much more Dinoshark-related than Balfour’s. His plot is mostly about his run-ins with the harbor patrol. She’s the one who actually researches the Dinoshark.

The one thing that sets this movie apart from the others is that is has more filler shots than any movie I’ve ever watched. Which is surprising, given what rich material they have to pull from. I mean, this is a movie about a prehistoric shark terrorizing Puerto Vallarta. And yet, for every character who is devoured by Dinoshark, there is at least a minute of stock footage leading up to it.

No, seriously. This is an actual scene from the movie.

I love that the Dinoshark doesn’t strike until you start to wonder to yourself, “Okay, what’s the point of all this stock footage?” He lulls you into a state of mild confusion and boredom – or, as I like to call it, the Dinoshark’s wheelhouse. Then there’s the fact that the cheery surf music suddenly switches to foreboding surf music. I didn’t even know foreboding surf music existed until this movie. Thank you, Dinoshark composers, for introducing me to this subgenre. I know what I’m adding to my workout mix.